Same Cycle

I’m 100% sure I currently have the worse luck in the world. Well, maybe just in California.

It’s weird how I keep finding myself in these situations. Girl meets boy, boy fucks girl, girl gets pregnant. Girl keeps getting pressured into having an abortion.

It’s not like I’m against it or anything, it’s just at this time of my life. And with countless people and doctors who keep saying I can’t get pregnant. I sorta feel like this is a miracle, an unwanted miracle, but a miracle.

Cliche, I know. It’s not like I planned any of this to happen or like I wanted it, but life keeps dealing me these cards. They suck.

See it wasn’t that long ago when my body was only producing zero to one egg every few months. And any little bit of google searching could tell you that’s not good.

I had a moderate infection in my Fallopian tubes after my first miscarriage that cause heavy tissue scarring. Now hormone treatment isn’t covered by my insurance, which would help with my pains and occasional bleeding but it could also help me with my fertility in the future as my doctor had told me.

Couldn’t afford it and couldn’t do it.

But now I find myself in this situation. I have this baby, a little me I guess growing in me. And I like the idea. Am I ready for a child. No.

But it’s a part of me. And the idea of ending the life of something that is a bit of me, kills me.

No pun intended.

Now I have always been pro-choice. But knowing I have this baby growing in me, I know what my choice is.

I have been through so much and stood my ground on my own. I’m ready to do this by myself.

And at this point I don’t care about the father, because I know he doesn’t care about me. And to be honest, He never really did.

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“I Am Perfectly Fine”

I am perfectly fine.

I am perfectly fine.

At least that is what I have been telling myself.

I’m not sure of how I get myself into these situations, it’s almost as if I just want to give up and let life swallow me whole.

My heart was broken and I couldn’t find a way to heal it.

Mr. Unavailable, it somehow always comes back to him.

I thought things were finally going in the direction I wanted them, but I was completely wrong. I spent my nights thinking about him, hoping he had just on ounce of the feelings I had for him. But he didn’t, I don’t blame him.

At the end of the day, I was just not good enough for him.

It’s a shitty way to see myself, I know but that’s just how I feel.

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about you. Think about the way you made my heart skip a beat when you looked at me.

Or how I could never have a full conversation without tripping over my words, you made me so nervous, and a year later and even just sitting next to you made the palm of my hands sweaty and made my heart beat fast.

There was nothing I wouldn’t do for you, but I just wasn’t good enough.  blog

I Wish I Would Have Known

I wish I would have known you were a coward, who would abandon me when I needed someone the most. 

I wish I would have known that one night I opened myself to you, the one night we were intimate would spiral me into the dark hole I am in today. 

I wish we would have been more careful, and not have acted on pure lust alone. Then maybe I wouldn’t  be in this mess. 

You were sweet and kind, a little too kind and maybe that was a warning. 

I genuinely had feelings for you, I liked your sense of humor and your devotion to your family and friends, but as time went on you grew distant. 

And three positive pregnancy test later, I had wished I would had never met you. But you stayed and you worried, which made me like you even more. 

I even understood that you wanted to take things slow, I understood how your last relationship hurt you. I understood. 

But then you turned. 


I received a wrong number text, well, let’s get this straight I received a wrong number Dick pic. 

Considering I was hanging out with my girls they were entertained. I even told you about it, we were both entertained. But little did I know this person was your friend, who kept pushing and pushing. 

The same friend you gave my number too and told to text. 


This hurt more than I wanted it too. There was a pang of pain as I thought about the reasons why you would say that. 

Was I someone who you could just pass around?, someone you didn’t care about? 

You told me, he lied, but did he really? 

I forgave you, I let it go, stupid me. 

I had a miscarriage, I was scared. I was sad and I wished you could be there for me, be there with me. But you went MIA, but still filled me with kind words, but it was only through texts. 

You were the only person I could talk to, and I tried, oh did I try. 

I tried as I cried myself to sleep, feeling an emptiness In me. I tried, pretended I was okay, with the sole fact I didn’t want you to worry or feel some blame.  

I tried to contact you, tried to text, yet nothing. You told me you would be there for me, and though there’s was small part of me that told me not to depend on that, I couldn’t stop. 

It was only 3 days after my miscarriage, three days of barely anything. And you ended things quicker than they started.


It hurt more than I wanted it to hurt. 

Yet I still couldn’t blame you, now 6 days after my miscarriage, now as I lay here with a fever, chills, pain and bleeding. 

Now at the hospital scared out of my mind, that there’s complications. I still can’t blame you. 

Digging Myself Deeper

“…I’m suffocating on the words I want to say, but can’t”


Do you ever feel like your in a hole, you can’t dig yourself out of? No matter how hard you try, you just can’t find a clearing.

That’s how I currently feel, I’ve dug this hole and I can’t find my way out of it.

My chest feels so heavy, as if it was filled with dirt I’ve been slowly breathing in.

Hard to imagine I was once so happy and care free, but now…now I’m just this poor excuse of a person.

I’m hoping that I’ll feel numb and this sadness will just go away, but I guess it just doesn’t work that way.

I wished it worked that way.

You see depression is something I’ve been fighting for years, an ongoing battle.

One that has had many casualties and too many wounded.

I almost lost the war once, a very dark day and part of my life that I have yet to conquer.

And I think about it every day. The consequences it would had, the pain I would have caused.

But when your suffocating from your own pain and sadness, those thoughts, that reasoning leaves your mind.

And the only ones that are  left are those of escaping. Of ending the pain, the suffering and that feeling of emptiness.

Regrets

It’s 1 a.m. and here I am on my bedroom floor, tears streaming down my face.

I would like to say this is not an ordinary occasion, but it is.

At this point in my life, I have nothing but regrets.

I regret staying in this town, instead of leaving after I graduated.

I regret the major I studied and the career path I’ve taken.

And right now I regret the fact that I just came back from Mr. Emotionally Unavailable’s apartment.

I regret  that my heart skipped a beat the moment I saw him, or the fact that the past week I hadn’t seen him, crushed me dearly.

But my biggest action I regret is the fact, that I’ve just spent the past 40 minutes on my knees, making him a king.

To be treated like nothing.

I feel insignificant, worthless, but it’s my own damn fault. I knew what I was getting into, I knew there where no mutual feelings. But a girl can dream right. Even though that dream might come crashing down. This can’t be the person I am, anymore.

But even though I try to deny, I _______the damn fool.

Losing My Patience 

That’s it I’m done, how do I end up choosing these men?

Okay, not men, more like fuck boys.

Definition: A manipulating dick who does whatever it takes to benefit himself, regardless of who he screws over. They will screw over anyone and everyone as long they get what they want.

Why do I attract these guys? Real question is, why am I attracted to them?

Are there no decent men around? Or are they all taken? (All valid questions)

Mr. Emotionally Unavailable is the biggest definition of that, I know it, he knows it, everyone knows it. And yet it still doesn’t stop me from texting him, but sadly this post isn’t even about him. 

Let’s call him “Scooby” just like the very end of the show he was unmasked and turns out he’s a fuck boy in disguised.

Scooby, was sweet and funny, and don’t quote me, but close to being adorable. He sorta made me forget about, Mr. Emotionally Unavailable. Which is tough, since the  mere mention of his name, makes my heart skip a beat.

He made me laugh, we talked for hours, sorta made me feel like someone genuinely cared about me, but of course that was short lived.

Now, I’m not saying I had strong feelings for him, but I was giving him a chance.

And  there he had to go and ruin it.

Getting a text 2 hours after we had plans with a lame excuse is unacceptable, but okay, I gave you the benefit of the doubt. Obviously I still thought he was a decent guy.

But now, we make plans  to face time ( in 5 minutes) : meaning some pretty damn hot phone sex to only be ignored for hours to find you being active on OKCupid.

I am literally suffering from whiplash. WTF?!

Am I delusional here, what did I miss that made you do a 160 in like a minute.

Most of my friends tell me, it takes time and you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince and all that crap.

But I am a closed off person, who has emotional and physical scars and the fact that I let two guys, let alone one in is a lot for me.

And now I’m thinking that’s it too much, so this girl has decided, I’m better off just closing myself off from people for a while, enjoy my presence before needing someone else’s.

Mr. Emotionally Unavailable 

Sometimes I pretend that I stand a chance, but in reality I don’t.  

Its been week, a whole week, since I last saw you. A week since I did the pathetic walk of shame at 2:30 a.m. to only wake up at 5 to go to work. 

Five days since I realized I was completely screwed, and head over heels for you. Even thought let’s face it, I knew before, I was just purely in denial. 

I’m a complete and utter idiot. 

Not because I fell for Mr. Emotionally Unavailable, but because it’s 1:00 a.m. and I’m scrambling to retouch my makeup, quickly straighten my messy slightly frizzy hair and I’m shimmying into my brand new black and red negligee.

 Don’t get me started on how hard it was hooking my garter belt to my black lace knee high tights. 

Yes, I’m going all out. Why? You may ask.

Well I asked myself the same thing. 

And the only answer I came up with was: it’s Scotty. 

What makes him so perfect in my eyes? Good question. 

He’s a complete grump, to the fact that his co-workers call him a Grinch during the Christmas season. 

Which for some reason I find that attractive.

He’s a complete book nerd, I mean he’s constantly listening to books on tape tonight, reading, discussing, you know the whole shebang. 

Hermit Crab: not a big fan of adventure, going out, having fun. Pretty much a bore, but I find that so perfect.

I certainly know how to pick them, right?

I miss the banter.

I miss the honesty. 

I miss the beginning.